polstnuc...I mean...my 1st REAL entry!

Ok, I've been thinking today on some of the things I want to say to start this journal off...I guess I'll explain what actually triggered my interest in a live journal. Last semester was by far the worst 4 months of my life. (Which is ironic, considering the 3 preceeding months were 3 of the most wonderful months of my life.) I started the semester off by leaving my girlfriend's house in Louisville at 4 AM on her birthday to get to my first class by 9AM. I was quite sad, because I knew I wouldn't see her for a long time, since she goes to school in Texas. But, everything was fine because the love was strong. So I go to classes and the such, then try to get a hold of my boss at Steinkeller, the German bar. I served there making very nice money. When I finally got a hold of him, he tells me there are no available shifts for me because he didn't know I was coming back to work there, even though I told him I would be. So, screwed for the first time...SO the semester proceeds as I look for another job. Celeste and I talk some, but not as much as before, because she's a lot busier this year. We talked at least 2 hrs a day last year, but now it's 20 minutes if I'm lucky. So I start to feel neglected, which now I see as pathetic, but that's an issue to discuss later. But for the time being I am starting to feel distant and unimportant to her. She makes less and less time to talk to me and starts to care less and less (this is all from my point of view, by the way) Instead of busying myself and focusing on school, I focus on her, and our future together. At this point I had just let myself become way too dependent on her. We fight more every day until I call a break, thinking we need to step back and figure out what's wrong with us and repair the damage and be happy together again. Well, she takes "break" as an opportunity to turn tail and run. So, I am now single, but desperately pursuing a futile cause in trying to get her back. I made a fool of myself all semester, convinced that she was still in love with me but hiding from her feelings. I was obsessive and miserable, and I drove my friends insane with analyzing the whole situation and trying to pick it apart constantly. See...back then I thought love was the only thing in the world that mattered, and as long as I had Celeste, the girl I had wanted for 4 years and finally got, the girl I dreamed about for so long, the love of my life, and all that B.S....you know, my soulmate...well, as long as I had her, everything was right and good in the world. Of course I was wrong, and it took an excrutiating amont of pain and suffering to figure myself out again...You know, I lost a testicle in 8th grade; it was swollen to larger than a golf ball, and the pain had me dry heaving all night. It was surgically removed because it had twisted and the bloodflow was cut off from it, and it was dead tissue by the time I went to the doc. Well, that whole thing was nothing compared to last semester. I would take losing a testicle over that 4 months any day...I think I understand the whole thing with her now though...I understand her and why she did what she did ( I don't agree or think the greatest of her of course...) Long distance relationships are silly to attempt anyways. It's just a shame things happened the way they did...so angry and harshly. People are fickle and they will always let you down. If I don't expect anything, I won't be hurt. Tough life lesson, but I guess everyone has to learn it sometime. I'm feeling kinda like human beings are shitty, and what you need to do is try to associate with the ones that are less shitty. It's just never possible to fully know what someone is capable of and you have to choose who you trust. I just chose poorly. I'm thinking she'll figure herself out one day hopefully and not hurt anyone else she gets close to (not to say I don't need improvent, too, but ya know...)Well, one of my things here is refining myself, and a big part of that is not letting my emotions screw me over any more. And that involves not thinking or talking about Celeste any more, but I wanted to get the background of the situation out there to clarify. I will probably and hopefuly not really mention her again. So, back to listing the things that made last semester suck! So I had a new job delivering for Papa John's, making phat money. The shifts were 9-11 hours though...MISERABLE! Especially if you are depressed and obsessively thinking of your ex while you are alone in a car all night. But I made $15-20 an hour, so all was good. But I have a bad habit: my temper. It has always been my downfall. It of course has always applied behind the wheel (but my road rage has gotten 90% better over the last 6 years). One day I flipped someone off for honking at me while I was delivering. He called my manager and I pretty much got a warning. So a week later some redneck stops in the middle of the road. I wait a sec, then just honk my horn. He flips me off then starts going about 5 mph. Tired of his game, I just try to pass him, but then he speeds up and I get back behind. At the next stop he proceeds to get out out of his car and threaten me. I stayed in my car and let him know I was going to report him to the cops, and left the scene. I filled out a police report and went back to work, proud of myself for maintaining control and handling the situation properly. Well, I get a call from my manager the next day and that dickhead had called corporate office and lied, telling them that I threatened him and hit his car! So my boss, remembering my knack for using my middle digit frequently, decides to let me go. So there's 2 good jobs down the drain. So, now I am at Kroger's photo lab. I make $5.70/hr and have to pay union dues. It is a MISERABLE job! But, it's a job... And lastly on my list of bad semester stuff is my classes. I took a mythology class (should be cool, right?) well, the teacher was all...goth-intellectual-coffeeshop type, and annoyed me. She wanted us to look, in my opinion, just a little too deep into the myth and analyze it word for word, spending hours on every reading assignment. And of course, the tests were essays. Then I had a greek and roman minor arts class. Cool teacher, BORING material! I had to write a 7-9 page paper on roman glass blowing for god's sake! And, with my apathy along with depressedness, I was an awful student and got a B- and a C+ for the 2 classes respectively. Those are horrid grades for me, considering my goal was to graduate magna cum laude (3.75 GPA) Now my max will be like 3.69. Also, no dean's list for the first time at Miami. Oh well...my major is music, not liberal arts :) SO! Now that my summing up and whining about last semester is complete, I am going to list my new goals for myself...(it's funny, my roommate, Brian aka: huntin_expert, was also wanting to better himself this semester, so he has many similar goals and also started a live journal) I appreciate how a new semester is always a chance for a fresh start if you want it to be. I hope to:-Get into Indiana University's music school for graduate study, meaning I am going to be practicing my horn a lot more-Not waste time(ie, in front of computer, napping, screwing around)-be organized-be punctual-stop complaining so damn much! :)-be positive-drop the temper FOR GOOD-not focus on women or anything else but me for a while-learn to be happy-stop caring about everyone else's opinion so much-be less obsessive/more laid back-get in shape and build my body into that of a greek godYeah, lofty goals...But I'm making good on them so far! Man...so much to talk about....so little desire to type any more. Well, more to come later. Adios!

1st entry

Yay I have a journal. Now I'm going to bed.