Good genes

Well, it's good to know where I come from. I decided to do a random web search on my biological dad's name. Looky what I got:Man, 62, is accused of molesting childCHARLESTON -A 62-year-old man has been accused of sexually assaulting a 10-year-old girl at his North Charleston home between June and August, police said.Wayne Kotab is charged with committing a lewd act on a minor. Magistrate Priscilla Baldwin set bail at $75,000.Mr. Kotab works as a teacher's assistant at Alice Birney Middle School in North Charleston, but the allegations are not connected to his job, said North Charleston police Detective Cpl. Jerry Jellico. Mr. Kotab told police he has worked at the school for about three years.So...yeah. He beat my mom while she was pregnant with me, and almost killed me. I was born into this world covered in my own shit, as well as choking on it. So, you could say, quite literally, that I am full of shit :) My sister had a PI track Wayne down and found out this molestation stuff last year, but jeez, I didn't really think I could just do a random web search and find this guy! Man. It is nice to know where my legendary heritage plants its roots...The things I do to entertain myself late at night. I REALLY need to find better ways to amuse myself when I am alone.

Great song...

If I could save time in a bottleThe first thing that I'd like to doIs to save every dayTill eternity passes awayJust to spend them with youIf I could make days last foreverIf words could make wishes come trueI'd save every day like a treasure and thenAgain I would spend them with youBut there never seems to be enough timeTo do the things you want to doOnce you find themI've looked around enough to knowThat you're the one I want to go through time withIf I had a box just for wishesAnd dreams that'd never come trueThe box would be emptyExcept for the memory of howThey were answered by you...Man, this is a good song. Jim Croce has a nice concept of what love is all about. I'll give a couple of my old ideas on love- some quotes to Celeste: Love is 2 people sharing one heart, one soul... -and- Love isn't merely accepting someone for their faults; it is loving someone even more, because to their faults. After some time in the real world, I have learned a little. quote number one is bullshit. 2 is nice, and I may actually keep that one. But whoa, quote #1 is silly. My head has been up in the clouds all my life, pertaining to love. I've lived off of all those idealistic, cliche, romantic ideals, just SURE that that is what love is. At least I am not clueless, considering I said #2 around the same time in my life. That one is pretty smart. But good old Jim, now he has a nice opinion on the subject. He says that when you love someone, you will want to spend every second of eternity with them. Pretty idealistic, I will admit, but hey, if you can find someone whose faults are appealing to you, and whose presence is that wonderful, that can be a great kind of love. (as long as you don't let them become your world...) So, for all of my pain last semester, I have to thank Celeste too, for being able to pull her head out of the clouds when she got too high up...one of us had to I guess. Reality...it sucks, but fairytales only last so long. So love...hmm. Weird concept to me now. Maybe I'll stick with SOME of my idealistic-ness, cause it can be quite nice. Cause Jim...he's gotta be right.

Analysis

As I read everyone elses' journal, I see a great deal of self-analysis as well as self-demoralization. Yeah, I did a ton of that last semester after the breakup too, but you know, it made me miserable. I have decided I just want to be happy, and that it is not some in-depth magic rite to accomplish or anything; it is simply being happy because you want to be. Just making yourself lay off the gripe every now and then works wonders. That's my advice for today...So I dreamt about her last night...It's a shame that for every effort you put into keeping an ex out of your conscious thoughts, she can still creep into your dreams. It was an odd dream too. No details though, because thinking about her in any form is bad. I don't want to forget her entirely, but I don't want to be sad over her either. I truly hope one day she and I can be friends, and there be nothing negative in my thoughts surrounding her. She's too important and special of a person to just be totally ejected from my life forever...anyways...So I found a little silver lining to that cloud of my Cleveland audition this sunday: Jared's place is halfway between here and Cleveland, so I can stop by the day before and see him and Michelle, and cut the drive on audition day short. Yay. I told my PBS-like professor today about my lecture, and he seemed genuinely impressed. After so many lectures on ancient greece and rome and all that, I got to finally tell this guy that I am giving a lecture, and I invited him, but alas, he is busy. Oh well, there will be plenty of others to show off to:) Time to work on that more, by the way. Adios.p.s. Hehe...I got home to find an email to the class from cute lab teacher, so I decided to respond to her...I am bad, but it is so fun!

mmmmm...

Wow, I am a disgusting human being...I made skyline chili today, and ate a lot of it. what I had left just stayed on a plate in my room for reheating later. Well, I just got back from a late light practice and saw it sitting there, and I went for it. I just ATE IT, even though it was very cold and the grease in it had started to congeal. I guess I just have no shame. Oh well :)So yesterday I received in the mail a letter from Cleveland Institute of Music, notifying me of my audition date. It is SUNDAY, as in THIS SUNDAY. I was expecting Feb 23rd! So of course I'm not really ready for this. I have my lecture to plan and work on, and I have work and a rehearsal sunday. So this audution springing on me has been a bit of extra stress. There are 3 written tests in addition to the actual audition, consisting of theory, ear training, and music history. My history knowledge is so fucking rusty. But LUCKILY, due to my beautiful and gracious (*ahem*) ex, I have my music history books to study. But where do I find the time to study? Maybe in an alternate dimension. Argh. So I have been double-timing my practice since receiving the letter. My lips are definitely pumping up more now! Oh well, Cleveland is just Cleveland...I can't believe I just said that about CIM! It is one of the higher-up conservatories in the country and I just talked about it like it's nothing. Well, just indication of how MUCH I like IU...Tonight's practice was excellent!Today I got to teach my student + 2 of her fellow school horn players. Wow...sometimes I just don't know what to say to them, but they are sounding better after I help them, so I guess I'm doing something right. And on top of that, I got $15 for 30 minutes of working with them. So hey, I can eat for a week on that:) Today Allison and I talked about Faryn, as well as her friend she is going to introduce me to (who said she will meet me, but only if Faryn is there, cause she is really shy. That's so cute! Shy girls are neato.) I mentioned to Allison (who started a livejournal today) that Faryn and I talked a lot this weekend and she asked why there is no romantic possibility between Faryn and I. I told her that's not the case and she seemed amused. Muy interesting...girls...so exciting...I think. I instant messenger-flirted with Faryn tonight, which is funny, considering I disliked her 4 years ago. Ok, enough about girls, well, except to mention that I go to lab tomorrow with the hot GA teacher:)Well, time to get on those 4 books I borrowed from the library today for my lecture...g'night.

Damn the MacPhail!

Argh! I jumped through hoops to set up this rehearsal, and it all just fell apart today! I had to reserve the recital hall, contact the piano technician to get him to put the harpsichord in the recital hall, find a time when the staff accompanist, Heather Macphail, could make it, and get Demetra and Wargo, all at the same time as the recital hall being free...I finally made it ALL work, after being bitched out by the asshole piano technician, telling me I am unorganized (kick him in the nuts...) Then of course, Macphail decides not to come today! Grrr...The recital is in a week! Oh well, it's an easy piece; all will work out. I got all my recital posters up and received compliments on them :) And last night I sent a mass email to the Cincinati horn group (about 50 horn players), so I hope to have a good audience for my lecture.And I have to work today...man not too happy at the moment. But on the brighter side, Faryn offered to introduce me to her friend Rachel, who is supposed to be extremely intelligent, has curly red hair (my favorite), really cute, has a nice butt (according to Ira), and fun on top of all that. Might be exciting... But the hanging out with Faryn has been real fun too! So hey, meeting new people en mass is great! Especially when they're cute girls.I feel real professional doing this lecture recital. It's a wonderful feeling. I hope it goes well... Speaking of, I should get back to my lecture notes. Later...