Some doubts...

For every 2 steps forward there is invaribly a step back every now and then. With last night being a downer being stressed at work, and tonight reading Katie's online journal and finding out so many people have been badmouthing me back in Louisville, and that I caused her so much grief, I feel like a bastard. Am I just THAT unlikable of a person? Everyone seems to always have some sort of problem with me! For god's sake, the 2 women that have "been in love" with me ended up hating me afterwards. The most recent one wants me to never contact her again. What is wrong with me??? I try to do things for people and be good and nice and understanding and friendly and in general a wonderful person, but somehow always come out the worthless sack of crap in the end. I just can't win. Well...I never will if I consider "winning" part of my interraction with people on this world. Winning is being happy with yourself and living an accomplished life...I guess. I dunno though, I feel awfully drawn to social and romantic ties. I wish I could figure out what truly matters. I guess peoples' opinions and feelings towards me do matter, if I let them get to me so much. SO what do I have to do to keep everyone from hating me in the end? How do I keep that woman that swears she will love me till the day she dies in love with me as opposed to despising me? I don't think I can do the whole "look out for yourself thing" because that's just not my style. But would I be happier? Man...I want some stability in my life. You know, the next woman that tells me she loves me better mean it, or I will probably die of a heart attack when I find out different. I can't take all that again. Ok, tired of being a whiner...So our storming of Thargor's Keep was a success tonight! But my character Archie died 3 times...it started to get annoying. But we killed lotsa bad dudes and got lotsa gold. Maybe enough to buy Archie a new hand. Yay exciting...So, can anyone guess what my favorite punctuation is? It should be pretty easy to figure out... (heh)Ok, I think my big negativity thing is starting to pass. I know I'm not an asshole...I pretty much like who I am...could use some tuning up and stuff, but in general I know I'm a good guy. The ex's only hate me after loving me because that's just what happens in a bad break. Not really on my shoulders. So let's figure out who really hates me:Caitlin (fellow horn player. will never resolve because we are oil and water. but there is civility.)Louisville people badmouthing me (probably don't hate, were probably only badmouthing to support Katie in her anger for me)Celeste (well, likes to push people out of her life to avoid any more pain for herself, and I did say mean things to her after the break(but for good reasons sometimes) so I can't help that one much)I guess people disliking, hating, or just having a problem with me really just need to get over it. And I need to get over them having a problem with me. It's really not important, huh? The true important people to me look past my faults, like good friends. Yay, less sad, but maybe kinda annoyed, but starting to feel better about myself again. I will stop having people issues one day and meet a woman who is truly loving and honest and open with me, and really does something for me all at the same time. I'm sure at least one exists out there. I guess I should make a list of qualities I look for in a woman so I can asses what i value better...but it's late, so i'll do it later. G'night!