The olde days

Man, sometimes I really miss highschool. Things were so much more simple then! But this isn't really a sad feeling, but more of a fond one...I need to give a recital off campus for my degree, so I figured I'd go to YPAS, my old HS, to do it. So I emailed Mr Rob. He took my email very affectionately! He was such a good teacher (he always loved the Ilers, i.e. me, my sis, and my mom) Mr Essig was my other teacher there, who was basically the father figure in my life. Well, Mr Rob said he would be honored to have me perform at YPAS! And then he signed the email "Your friend and fan, Dennis" Aww! I miss Mr Rob :(*barf* Leaving in 7 hrs...

Here we go...

Ok, I just had a really good practice, basically just running through what I will be playing in my audition tomorrow. It turns out I was more ready than I thought. I'm actually a little hyped! Well...except for that I will be getting up at 3 AM tonight to leave for Cleveland. yuk. But it's cool-I'll be wearing my lucky boxers :) These are Beavis and Butthead boxers my best friend, Megan, gave to me my freshman year of highschool. Ever since, I have worn them to every concert and audition and recital I've performed in! (and yes, I wash them) They are in tatters, so I have to wear another pair of boxers under them, but oh well. I'll still be wearing them when I perform with the Chicago Symphony in 10 years. Aw yeah. God I love music. Yesterday, I was having trouble in my lesson playing musically...GP just said "play the music" and I did, and I DID! Man, sometimes the most simple words do the trick for me. I think he is Jesus, as I accidentally (freudian slip) called him at lunch one day with Allison and Bjorn.So, more emails between me and Miss Dudziak (hehe) It turns out I was right, she is only a year older than me. It's probably nothing, whatsoever, but jeez it's fun :) The DnD group ate a lot of Skyline and watched this movie about gambling called Rounders. We even drank a bottle of Boone's Farm each. Ha! But that wasn't enough for drunken DnD. And dude! At Kroger, there is a vending machine for gold rings! It's a bling bling machine!!! I got a gold one with a money sign on it. But the one I want is not mine yet, so I will be feeding that machine with quarters till I get it! Then I'll be pimpin :) Ok, lecture work.

Rocky

I just watched Rocky for the first time and I just have to say that is a great movie. I got chills multiple times throughout the movie, and even tears welled up in my eyes in the final fight. I mean...I cry for movies more than the average person, but still, I never knew this was such a powerful movie. Heh...Even the love story in it is a good one. I give it 2 thumbs up. It makes me think of going to my grad school auditions the underdog, and coming out THE CHAMP! :)

Good genes

Well, it's good to know where I come from. I decided to do a random web search on my biological dad's name. Looky what I got:Man, 62, is accused of molesting childCHARLESTON -A 62-year-old man has been accused of sexually assaulting a 10-year-old girl at his North Charleston home between June and August, police said.Wayne Kotab is charged with committing a lewd act on a minor. Magistrate Priscilla Baldwin set bail at $75,000.Mr. Kotab works as a teacher's assistant at Alice Birney Middle School in North Charleston, but the allegations are not connected to his job, said North Charleston police Detective Cpl. Jerry Jellico. Mr. Kotab told police he has worked at the school for about three years.So...yeah. He beat my mom while she was pregnant with me, and almost killed me. I was born into this world covered in my own shit, as well as choking on it. So, you could say, quite literally, that I am full of shit :) My sister had a PI track Wayne down and found out this molestation stuff last year, but jeez, I didn't really think I could just do a random web search and find this guy! Man. It is nice to know where my legendary heritage plants its roots...The things I do to entertain myself late at night. I REALLY need to find better ways to amuse myself when I am alone.

Great song...

If I could save time in a bottleThe first thing that I'd like to doIs to save every dayTill eternity passes awayJust to spend them with youIf I could make days last foreverIf words could make wishes come trueI'd save every day like a treasure and thenAgain I would spend them with youBut there never seems to be enough timeTo do the things you want to doOnce you find themI've looked around enough to knowThat you're the one I want to go through time withIf I had a box just for wishesAnd dreams that'd never come trueThe box would be emptyExcept for the memory of howThey were answered by you...Man, this is a good song. Jim Croce has a nice concept of what love is all about. I'll give a couple of my old ideas on love- some quotes to Celeste: Love is 2 people sharing one heart, one soul... -and- Love isn't merely accepting someone for their faults; it is loving someone even more, because to their faults. After some time in the real world, I have learned a little. quote number one is bullshit. 2 is nice, and I may actually keep that one. But whoa, quote #1 is silly. My head has been up in the clouds all my life, pertaining to love. I've lived off of all those idealistic, cliche, romantic ideals, just SURE that that is what love is. At least I am not clueless, considering I said #2 around the same time in my life. That one is pretty smart. But good old Jim, now he has a nice opinion on the subject. He says that when you love someone, you will want to spend every second of eternity with them. Pretty idealistic, I will admit, but hey, if you can find someone whose faults are appealing to you, and whose presence is that wonderful, that can be a great kind of love. (as long as you don't let them become your world...) So, for all of my pain last semester, I have to thank Celeste too, for being able to pull her head out of the clouds when she got too high up...one of us had to I guess. Reality...it sucks, but fairytales only last so long. So love...hmm. Weird concept to me now. Maybe I'll stick with SOME of my idealistic-ness, cause it can be quite nice. Cause Jim...he's gotta be right.

Analysis

As I read everyone elses' journal, I see a great deal of self-analysis as well as self-demoralization. Yeah, I did a ton of that last semester after the breakup too, but you know, it made me miserable. I have decided I just want to be happy, and that it is not some in-depth magic rite to accomplish or anything; it is simply being happy because you want to be. Just making yourself lay off the gripe every now and then works wonders. That's my advice for today...So I dreamt about her last night...It's a shame that for every effort you put into keeping an ex out of your conscious thoughts, she can still creep into your dreams. It was an odd dream too. No details though, because thinking about her in any form is bad. I don't want to forget her entirely, but I don't want to be sad over her either. I truly hope one day she and I can be friends, and there be nothing negative in my thoughts surrounding her. She's too important and special of a person to just be totally ejected from my life forever...anyways...So I found a little silver lining to that cloud of my Cleveland audition this sunday: Jared's place is halfway between here and Cleveland, so I can stop by the day before and see him and Michelle, and cut the drive on audition day short. Yay. I told my PBS-like professor today about my lecture, and he seemed genuinely impressed. After so many lectures on ancient greece and rome and all that, I got to finally tell this guy that I am giving a lecture, and I invited him, but alas, he is busy. Oh well, there will be plenty of others to show off to:) Time to work on that more, by the way. Adios.p.s. Hehe...I got home to find an email to the class from cute lab teacher, so I decided to respond to her...I am bad, but it is so fun!

mmmmm...

Wow, I am a disgusting human being...I made skyline chili today, and ate a lot of it. what I had left just stayed on a plate in my room for reheating later. Well, I just got back from a late light practice and saw it sitting there, and I went for it. I just ATE IT, even though it was very cold and the grease in it had started to congeal. I guess I just have no shame. Oh well :)So yesterday I received in the mail a letter from Cleveland Institute of Music, notifying me of my audition date. It is SUNDAY, as in THIS SUNDAY. I was expecting Feb 23rd! So of course I'm not really ready for this. I have my lecture to plan and work on, and I have work and a rehearsal sunday. So this audution springing on me has been a bit of extra stress. There are 3 written tests in addition to the actual audition, consisting of theory, ear training, and music history. My history knowledge is so fucking rusty. But LUCKILY, due to my beautiful and gracious (*ahem*) ex, I have my music history books to study. But where do I find the time to study? Maybe in an alternate dimension. Argh. So I have been double-timing my practice since receiving the letter. My lips are definitely pumping up more now! Oh well, Cleveland is just Cleveland...I can't believe I just said that about CIM! It is one of the higher-up conservatories in the country and I just talked about it like it's nothing. Well, just indication of how MUCH I like IU...Tonight's practice was excellent!Today I got to teach my student + 2 of her fellow school horn players. Wow...sometimes I just don't know what to say to them, but they are sounding better after I help them, so I guess I'm doing something right. And on top of that, I got $15 for 30 minutes of working with them. So hey, I can eat for a week on that:) Today Allison and I talked about Faryn, as well as her friend she is going to introduce me to (who said she will meet me, but only if Faryn is there, cause she is really shy. That's so cute! Shy girls are neato.) I mentioned to Allison (who started a livejournal today) that Faryn and I talked a lot this weekend and she asked why there is no romantic possibility between Faryn and I. I told her that's not the case and she seemed amused. Muy interesting...girls...so exciting...I think. I instant messenger-flirted with Faryn tonight, which is funny, considering I disliked her 4 years ago. Ok, enough about girls, well, except to mention that I go to lab tomorrow with the hot GA teacher:)Well, time to get on those 4 books I borrowed from the library today for my lecture...g'night.

Damn the MacPhail!

Argh! I jumped through hoops to set up this rehearsal, and it all just fell apart today! I had to reserve the recital hall, contact the piano technician to get him to put the harpsichord in the recital hall, find a time when the staff accompanist, Heather Macphail, could make it, and get Demetra and Wargo, all at the same time as the recital hall being free...I finally made it ALL work, after being bitched out by the asshole piano technician, telling me I am unorganized (kick him in the nuts...) Then of course, Macphail decides not to come today! Grrr...The recital is in a week! Oh well, it's an easy piece; all will work out. I got all my recital posters up and received compliments on them :) And last night I sent a mass email to the Cincinati horn group (about 50 horn players), so I hope to have a good audience for my lecture.And I have to work today...man not too happy at the moment. But on the brighter side, Faryn offered to introduce me to her friend Rachel, who is supposed to be extremely intelligent, has curly red hair (my favorite), really cute, has a nice butt (according to Ira), and fun on top of all that. Might be exciting... But the hanging out with Faryn has been real fun too! So hey, meeting new people en mass is great! Especially when they're cute girls.I feel real professional doing this lecture recital. It's a wonderful feeling. I hope it goes well... Speaking of, I should get back to my lecture notes. Later...

G-Rod's little sister

Oh my god....this is hilarious. So hilarious that when I didn't have enough room to paste it in my IM profile I decided to paste it here. See, one of my best friends, Jared, is getting married this summer. Jared, me, and Adam, the dude whose IM quotes I am going to show, all hung out in highschool all the time. We probably went bowling 1000 times back in the day. Those 2 guys are probably my favorite 2 people. (I miss them...*tear*) So Adam just told me that Jared called him and asked him to be his best man. That kinda made me sad since I always thought Jared would, I dunno...make us both his best man. But Adam explained that it's probably because he and Jared have been friends 4 years longer. So to consul me further, Adam said this:Highwayman502 (1:59:19 PM): he said you get to walk down the aisle with his sister, or somethingHighwayman502 (1:59:29 PM): he said that would make you happy, because she's hotHighwayman502 (1:59:41 PM): but it would be bad if you did it all with a huge bonerI almost choked on my oyster crackers! The shock of reading that I get to walk Jessica down the aisle, followed by that OUTRAGEOUS mental image, was too much for me! I have thought Jared's little sister was hot for so long now too. I remember my senior year, walking to class from lunch, passing by this cutie in the hall every single day and just....ya know. And then looking in the yearbook at the end of the year and seeing that she is a freshman named Jessica Schuetter. So upon learning that it is my best friend's sister, I was shocked that I had never encountered her before at his house. But from then on, it seemed every time I was at his house, there she was. So she pretty much became a retroactive, I dunno...I guess crush. And hey! She's legal now! So yeah, that cheers me up a little about not being G-Rod's best man:)

Middle of 3-day

Ok, still have 1.5 days left. It's been good so far, but let's make the 2nd half even better! Hmm...that will be hard though, considering I work 4-9 today :( Well, it will be fun AFTER that! Last night we had a DnD outing, as opposed to our normal confined dice-rolling parties. Brian, Ben, Dog Jon, and I went bowling and to Steak n Shake; both were quite amusing! The final score to our game (which cost fucking $3.25! What is up with boling prices all of a sudden??? I remember when it was $1.50 a game) oh...umm, was 100(me) 98, 96, and 94. Then at Steak n Shake, our waitress, Jennifer, was quite cute and nice. She suggested the outrageous parfait to me, and my, was it OUTRAGEOUS...well. It comes with a cherry on top, so I asked Jennifer for 2 cherries. When she brought it, it was covered in cherries! That made my week, lemme tell ya. Ah man, I should have taken a pic of it. Oh well. See? Easily amused. So I told her then and there that her tip just TRIPPLED. And it did, from 50 cents to $1.50...whoa. Heh.Ok, I want some general opinions. It is a supposed fact that every person indirectly comes in contact with at least 9 penises a day. Is this disturbing to everyone? Is it really THAT bad? I mean, think of this. Someone blows their nose and soe crap from their nose gets on their hand invaribly. Or someone scratches their arm and gets dirt and skin under their nails. Or someone touches the knob of a water fountain that was touched by someone who just took a monsterous crap *barf*. There are germs EVERYWHERE, and they are a fact of life. So really, those 9 genitals you indirectly contact, are nothing. This is for you, Denise :)Hmm..I just had some more stuff I wanted to talk about but totally forgot. I need to lay off the crack. Man, I need a good party to go to; it's been a while. But more than likely there will be nothing good tonight. Hmph.Oh, I made my amazing chili yesterday. It is the world's best, I swear. It was a very large pot and I've already eaten most of it :) Ok, well, scraping the bottom of the barrel for journal material, so bye.

*ahem*

Man, I'm getting sicker. I guess advil cold and sinus has worn off its welcome in my body. Ok, I have to say something...bad grammar...that is probably the single most annoying thing in the world. ARGH! I am glad I paid attention in grade school. For anyone who is wondering or has noticed, I talk about women a lot in my journal. Yes, I do. I am sorry for writing about what's on my mind in here. But you know, I have a lot more to say about women than, say, my horn, simply because women are a better discussion and pondering topic. If my subject material bothers you, DON'T READ! grrrr...Well, I played a little one on one DnD last night with my character and the DM. Archie very much enjoys his new hand. He met a whole bunch of other rogues, considering he is in a city run by them, including one who also has a magically replaced hand. He has made friends with a higher up and is DEFINITELY reaping the benifits of that. Archie's moving up in the world. :)I hung out with Faryn last night till she passed out from tiredness. I never would have known freshman year that she is such a good, smart, fun person. Back then I thought she was the loud, judgemental little jewish girl. Now I see her as the cute, neato little Jewish girl. And I learned a lot about Judaiism, and whoa, it is a pretty cool religion (as long as you are a more liberal Jew, as opposed to orthodox). It makes a lot more sense to me than Christianity. I think for now I'll still stick with the agnostism (if that's a word) but I will definitely check out Judaiism some more. Well, practice time.

FRIDAY!!!!

Alright, another good week finished. At the CPA today I saw cute mellophone girl...someone who has pretty much made my jaw drop every time I've seen her in the last 2 years. I was very surprised last semester to discover that she is indeed quite friendly along with her looks. She'll let some awkward guy like me approach her and kick the shit with her. So today she actually made a little bit of an initiative to interact with me, which was nice. So I walked and talked with her across campus until we had to split off. I know it is dumb of a guy to assume he has a chance with a girl just cause she'll talk to him, but hey, I'm a guy, and guys do that. After getting to know her some and seeing that she's not just this pretty girl I will never get a chance to talk to, I began to feel like it might actually not be too huge of a blasphemy to ask her out sometime. Why not? I know she has dated a guy who is a lot taller and considerably better looking than me, but looks aren't everything! So who knows, I may strap on another ball and try it sometime.One thing though...Allison, a friend of mine who has my best interests in mind, I'm sure, keeps telling me I don't have a chance with girls I consider. I wonder if this is her being a good friend or just trying to kill my confidence entirely. Cause it really does stab into my already inadequate supply when she tells me these things. Hmm. Oh well, it was still exciting to talk to Suzy (formerly known as cute mellophone girl). I know, pathetic...but hey, what thrills me, thrills me! My focus is DEFINITELY on horn this semester, but I have still been enjoying thinking about women...it's a new sort of freedom I guess. I really despised the idea of this freedom before, but I am starting to see at least a sliver of light in the concept of being free from a loved one...Well, it's getting to be more than a sliver :)Workout, then DnD, then maybe some partying. Should be a good beginning to my 3-day!

Naked days...

Man, I miss naked days with a woman...sit around, eat, cook, sleep, watch TV, play chess...just being naked with the girl I love. It was always so nice and peaceful...Like Adam and Eve. I wonder if any of the girls I'm friends with are willing to do a naked day with me. Probably not. hehe. But that would be funny! Wouldn't quite work like a naked day with a loved one :) Oh well. There are naked days in my future, I just know it.

*yawn*

Ok, so today was half and half. Zoology lab was kinda funny. The teacher is a GA, and really cute. I played a bit of the good old class clown role that I did in highschool, which was fun. I think I may have to do a little flirting with her this semester..you know, the "hot for teacher" thing :) I have been saying how I want an older woman! But besides that...I guess since it's a human physiology class, I had women on the brain in particular, because we had to choose groups and I chose the one with the cute girls. I mean, it was also the group that would get longer before we have to present, but I'll admit that I more chose the group cause of the cute girl named Laura with the long nose. I've realized lately that I think long/big noses are adorable on girls. Celeste's was long, and I loved it. And a lot of the girls I've been noticing lately have big un's. Hehe...weird thing to be attracted to. So we got to look through microscopes...fun. Then the rest of the day was a daze, until work...I got to train a new worker in the photo lab...yay, maybe we will finally have the lab fully staffed. She is kinda timid...annoying. But she'll catch on hopefully. My manager wants me to train this girl to do everything inefficiently and slow, but I'm just trying to teach her the fast way to get stuff done. It's a kroger photo lab, not a professional photo shop. We have too much to do to go back and fix one blurry pic in every order. So I finally get to come home (long night) just wanting to cook a good dinner. But of course, the fucking sink is still filled with dishes. Tired of waiting for them to magically do themselves, I washed them, and lost my appetite in the process. So this was the down side of my day. Mess angers me. Especially irresponsible, gross mess. But, it's clean for now...hopefully for at least a day or two. grrrr...Tom (nicchus) just commented to me that my entries are too long. hmm... IS this true? Does no one actually read my entire entries because they are too much work? I guess I'll trim them down so I'm more entertaining:) So I'm thinkin tomorrow my DnD group should build a DnDMan (much like a snowman). But we can add amusing nerdy touches. Should be a good time. Easy day tomorrow, thank fucking god. Time to practice...

MUCH better....

Well today has been worlds better. I started the day right by working out, and while doing so discovered that I am indeed getting in better shape. I can run longer and harder now (hehe). Speaking of longer and harder- I don't know what's up with me lately, but I am never really horny any more. Maybe it's all the working out? Maybe doing that gets rid of all of my sexual tension so I don't feel the need to release it otherwise :) Interesting....ANYWAYS---So then I had a great lesson, learned a lot, had some great rehearsals, and oddly enough decided I like our new orchestra conductor...finally. I despised Ricardo Averbach last semester with a passion, and everyone in the orchestra knew it. I think he took my teacher evaluation to heart and decided to make some changes. I am much happier with him now, and even kind of impressed. I guess he's acceptable for Miami now :) But man, I would just cuss him out all to hell under my breath in rehearsals last semester. When I think back now I am ashamed of myself for being so unprofessional. Temper=bad (mental note)At the beginning of the year I met this girl and thought she was extremely cute and very smart and interesting. Later on after I began working at Kroger, this girl comes to the counter at the photo lab and starts talking to my manager. It turns out she's my manager's daughter. And the girl was begging her mom for a later curfew...hence I learned her age of sixteen. Eew. I am dirty. But hey, no crime against thinking she was cute. So yesterday my boss told me her daughter likes me. I took that as "my daughter thinks you are nice" or something like that. So I just said, "oh, that's nice." And my boss (Oliver, nickname) gave me a look. She then repeated herself, but in greater detail. Her daughter is attracted to me. At first I thought Oliver was telling me this from an amused standpoint, but slowly began to see that she was trying to get me to take her daughter on a date. I was, and am still, quite disturbed. I explained that I would feel wierd dating someone so much younger, and Oliver proceeded to tell me "well, it's better than her dating a 27 yr old. And definitely better than her going on a date with Randy" And as you guessed it, Randy is much older than her daughter. 51 to be exact. So, *barf* as sick as it is, I considered the possibility for a very brief second. This girl is quite attractive, and mature and intelligent enough to keep me amused...but dude, that's just wrong. If she were 20 and I, 26, it'd be a different story. It's a shame that there is a girl that's into me that I could have some interest in as well, but turns out to literally be a GIRL. Man I'm messed up. Am I a sicko for recognizing this girl's qualities? Or is that ok?Oh well. I guess it's time to recommend some stuff to people:Indiana University. It kicks major ass, with a student population of about 40K, a beautiful campus, temperate atmosphere, #1 party school in America, recent porn shoot location, amazing music school, low price...good place :)Pasta. You should try the great pasta I made tonight. And if you actually come over, there might be some left!Advil Cold and Sinus. Miracle drug.Coming to my lecture recital on natural horn, January 29, 7:00 PM. It'll rule.That's enough of my attempt at controlling others' lives for now. Goodbye

MUCH better....

Well today has been worlds better. I started the day right by working out, and while doing so discovered that I am indeed getting in better shape. I can run longer and harder now (hehe). Speaking of longer and harder- I don't know what's up with me lately, but I am never really horny any more. Maybe it's all the working out? Maybe doing that gets rid of all of my sexual tension so I don't feel the need to release it otherwise :) Interesting....ANYWAYS---So then I had a great lesson, learned a lot, had some great rehearsals, and oddly enough decided I like our new orchestra conductor...finally. I despised Ricardo Averbach last semester with a passion, and everyone in the orchestra knew it. I think he took my teacher evaluation to heart and decided to make some changes. I am much happier with him now, and even kind of impressed. I guess he's acceptable for Miami now :) But man, I would just cuss him out all to hell under my breath in rehearsals last semester. When I think back now I am ashamed of myself for being so unprofessional. Temper=bad (mental note)At the beginning of the year I met this girl and thought she was extremely cute and very smart and interesting. Later on after I began working at Kroger, this girl comes to the counter at the photo lab and starts talking to my manager. It turns out she's my manager's daughter. And the girl was begging her mom for a later curfew...hence I learned her age of sixteen. Eew. I am dirty. But hey, no crime against thinking she was cute. So yesterday my boss told me her daughter likes me. I took that as "my daughter thinks you are nice" or something like that. So I just said, "oh, that's nice." And my boss (Oliver, nickname) gave me a look. She then repeated herself, but in greater detail. Her daughter is attracted to me. At first I thought Oliver was telling me this from an amused standpoint, but slowly began to see that she was trying to get me to take her daughter on a date. I was, and am still, quite disturbed. I explained that I would feel wierd dating someone so much younger, and Oliver proceeded to tell me "well, it's better than her dating a 27 yr old. And definitely better than her going on a date with Randy" And as you guessed it, Randy is much older than her daughter. 51 to be exact. So, *barf* as sick as it is, I considered the possibility for a very brief second. This girl is quite attractive, and mature and intelligent enough to keep me amused...but dude, that's just wrong. If she were 20 and I, 26, it'd be a different story. It's a shame that there is a girl that's into me that I could have some interest in as well, but turns out to literally be a GIRL. Man I'm messed up. Am I a sicko for recognizing this girl's qualities? Or is that ok?Oh well. I guess it's time to recommend some stuff to people:Indiana University. It kicks major ass, with a student population of about 40K, a beautiful campus, temperate atmosphere, #1 party school in America, recent porn shoot location, amazing music school, low price...good place :)Pasta. You should try the great pasta I made tonight. And if you actually come over, there might be some left!Advil Cold and Sinus. Miracle drug.Coming to my lecture recital on natural horn, January 29, 7:00 PM. It'll rule.That's enough of my attempt at controlling others' lives for now. Goodbye

Going to kill something...

I've Been So Mad LatelySh*t fu*ck hell damn sh*t fu*ck sh*tFu*ckSh*t-for-brains a$$hole dickweed all rightYou're a motherf*cker and I hate youF*ck sh*t hell damn sh*t f*ckF*ck you f*ck you fu*ck you fu*ck youF*ck you f*ck you fu*ck you f*ck youI'm pissedI'm pissedI'm so pissed offI'm so f*cking pissedYou take everything and then you left meYou took all my sh*t you left me nothingNow I'm getting really angryI feel like I'm gonna f*cking explodeYou think you're gonna get away with this?F*ck you f*ck you f*ck you f*ck youF*ck you f*ck you f*ck you f*ck youI'm pissedI'm pissedI'm so pissed offI'm so f*cking pissedSh*t-for-brains a$$hole f*ckfaceYou're a motherf*cker and I hate youSh*t f*ck hell damn sh*t f*ckYou can eat the corn out of my sh*tF*ck you f*ck you f*ck you f*ck youF*ck you f*ck you f*ck you f*ck youI'm pissedI'm pissedI'm so pissed offI'm so f*cking pissedPissedPissedPissedI've been so mad lately I am listening to this god-awful band, Butt Trumpet right now. But this song sums up how I feel right now. I guess when you are trying to be exceedingly happy every day, a bad day just affects you that much more, because I feel like going on a rampage right now. I think if I just sleep it will go away and be cleansed when I wake up tomorrow. A new day...yay

AHHHH!!

Man, I'm just having a shitty day! I woke up feeling a cold coming on, so instead of getting up and going to practice I just rolled over to sleep more. Then I went to studio class and of course Caitlin and I disagreed on stuff...we'll never see eye to eye I guess. I was misunderstood in something I was doing in the music and ended up looking like an ass yet again in front of the studio. SO I talked to GP afterwards, and I was frustrated, and he wasn't helping (even though it wasn't his fault) and I started to just walk out on him. I can't believe I pretty much lost it in front of GP over my temper. He yelled at me to come back and whipped me into shape. He's a great mentor...So then the bus took forever to arrive...students here pay for a service and the service is completely mediocre. Standing in the cold for 20 minutes isn't fun, especially when you have a lot of other things to do. So in general I am just real cranky and hope I can get over it soon, cause I hate feeling all negative n stuff.Last night we played a little more DnD and Archie got his hand back finally. Yay. Now he can steal stuff properly again. :)Today's my mom's birthday, and I don't have the money to buy her anything really. But I am working on thie really cool composite of a whole lot of pictures to put into a big frame to hang in her office. It's a lot of work, and I don't have much time at the moment to work on it, but I'm thinking she'll really love it when I finally finish it. I miss her...and my dog, Snuggles. She's a beagle-springer spaniel. If you didn't know this already, I'm a real mama's boy. She and I are real close-we talk about everything. I have always just talked to her as I do one of my friends, and what is real good about being "friends" with your mom, is that she won;t sugarcoat things sometimes like friends do to make you feel better. She tells the hard truth like it is. Brian won the auction on DDR, so it will be here soon! I had a dream about it arriving in the mail last night, kinda funny. Brian was expecting it the same night he won it, and I thought he was silly...but sure enough,, it arrived in the middle of the night! Wierd dream, but I wish the postal service was really that fast! Ok, well, time to do some stuff.

No more patchy beard...

Well, it's time to shave. I put a poll on my IM profile and got 80% votes for me to shave, and I promised my roomate, huntin_expert, I would do it this weekend. I've basically had some facial hair all through college, and feel that I look retarded without it. I think I look real young, have no chin, and look just...dumb. But a lot of people say I look better without, so I'm giving it a try. :(Today was good. I woke up late for work, but once I got there it was smooth sailing- an easy shift. But man, I was tired. I only got 3 hrs of sleep or so, because we all (huntin_expert, smileydee, Avious, and I) went to Tom's (nicchus') 22nd b'day party. There was enough beer to, well, not feed, but...get an army drunk. So I had lotsa beers, and my friends discovered how great Michelob light, low carbohydrates is. I didn't see the beauty as muh, but oh well...I played this game, DDRMax. It is a game where you "dance" to techno on a pad. I always thought the whole concept was for silly little Japanese boys, but discovered that it is immensly fun! Brian and I are going in together to buy the pads and the game so we can play at home, and get a full cardiovascular excercise every day :)Also at this party I stated that I do not want a mate with a lot of health problems. I don't want her to die on me early, or give me defective kids, or need me to take care of her the rest of her life. I was not saying that I would fall out of love with a woman for that, but that I might be less attracted to a girl with horrible asthma, or her family has a history of something horrible or whatever. A girl named Stephi heard this and made me feel like a jerk for this. What is wrong with wanting a healthy mate? I mean, it's just a thing in a list of things I look for in a woman:IntelligentFunOpenGood moralsHas the abilility to breatheHonestNice butt :)AdventurousNot going to die of a heart attackCuteGood smileFull set of appendagesDeep thinkerYou know, health just kinda fits in with all those other things. Nothin wrong with that.So I went to a Cincinatti Horn Choir rehearsal tonight and got to hang out with His GP-ness (heh, that's my horn teacher) and it was quite cool. The woman next to me was dumb as a rock though. She would keep asking where we're starting, even after the conductor said so twice. Some people...There was a lady there, bragging about her son, another horn player. This kid is a freshman in college, got accepted into Rice (arguably the best horn school there is), is friends with Eric Ruske (premier horn soloist) has a cute, cute girlfriend, a good family, and is said to be a "great kid" by GP. This guy has everything! I want to be Robert when I grow up. Oh well, can't have everything (yet...I will eventually!) So this re-sparked my desire to go to Rice. But man, it's in Houston, and they only take 2 horns a year. So I have very slim chances on beating everyone else out. And it would cost a lotta money and effort to go down there. But it hit me today I could ask Miami for some money to pay for my flight. Rice MIGHT still be an option:)So tomorrow I wake up ass early and work out with Brian, then practice before my first brahms rehearsal on natural horn (more natural horn info later) then later have a lesson with 3 or 4 highschool students-I'll get paid $30 for an hour of work, so yay. Things are really good.

Some doubts...

For every 2 steps forward there is invaribly a step back every now and then. With last night being a downer being stressed at work, and tonight reading Katie's online journal and finding out so many people have been badmouthing me back in Louisville, and that I caused her so much grief, I feel like a bastard. Am I just THAT unlikable of a person? Everyone seems to always have some sort of problem with me! For god's sake, the 2 women that have "been in love" with me ended up hating me afterwards. The most recent one wants me to never contact her again. What is wrong with me??? I try to do things for people and be good and nice and understanding and friendly and in general a wonderful person, but somehow always come out the worthless sack of crap in the end. I just can't win. Well...I never will if I consider "winning" part of my interraction with people on this world. Winning is being happy with yourself and living an accomplished life...I guess. I dunno though, I feel awfully drawn to social and romantic ties. I wish I could figure out what truly matters. I guess peoples' opinions and feelings towards me do matter, if I let them get to me so much. SO what do I have to do to keep everyone from hating me in the end? How do I keep that woman that swears she will love me till the day she dies in love with me as opposed to despising me? I don't think I can do the whole "look out for yourself thing" because that's just not my style. But would I be happier? Man...I want some stability in my life. You know, the next woman that tells me she loves me better mean it, or I will probably die of a heart attack when I find out different. I can't take all that again. Ok, tired of being a whiner...So our storming of Thargor's Keep was a success tonight! But my character Archie died 3 times...it started to get annoying. But we killed lotsa bad dudes and got lotsa gold. Maybe enough to buy Archie a new hand. Yay exciting...So, can anyone guess what my favorite punctuation is? It should be pretty easy to figure out... (heh)Ok, I think my big negativity thing is starting to pass. I know I'm not an asshole...I pretty much like who I am...could use some tuning up and stuff, but in general I know I'm a good guy. The ex's only hate me after loving me because that's just what happens in a bad break. Not really on my shoulders. So let's figure out who really hates me:Caitlin (fellow horn player. will never resolve because we are oil and water. but there is civility.)Louisville people badmouthing me (probably don't hate, were probably only badmouthing to support Katie in her anger for me)Celeste (well, likes to push people out of her life to avoid any more pain for herself, and I did say mean things to her after the break(but for good reasons sometimes) so I can't help that one much)I guess people disliking, hating, or just having a problem with me really just need to get over it. And I need to get over them having a problem with me. It's really not important, huh? The true important people to me look past my faults, like good friends. Yay, less sad, but maybe kinda annoyed, but starting to feel better about myself again. I will stop having people issues one day and meet a woman who is truly loving and honest and open with me, and really does something for me all at the same time. I'm sure at least one exists out there. I guess I should make a list of qualities I look for in a woman so I can asses what i value better...but it's late, so i'll do it later. G'night!

1st week: done

I've made it through my first week of all this stuff...Went to all of my classes, did a whole lot of practicing, wasted minimal time, was happy about 85% of the time, complained very little, accomplished lots, and worked out pretty consistently. I really hope I can keep things up at this pace, because it feels amazingly good. I am still not letting myself get enough sleep though...something to work on next week. Also my mind is still a little too preoccupied with girls. I look at em and think of em too much. Maybe if I just have really good date I'll be appeased for a while. I guess that's what I'm looking for when I stare around "recklessly"...a good date. Oh well, women...not worth the trouble really (no offense intended, ladies!) :) So tonight is the big night in our DnD (Dungeons and Dragons) game. Archie (my gnome thief) is pissed at getting his hand chopped off and thirsting for blood! We have hired 12 men to help our party take out Thargor's Keep. We spent a couple hours the last 2 nights creating the 12 characters...I hope it all goes well, or it means all thet planning for nothing. Anyways, on to things readers might actually care to read...I realized last night how much of a downer I had to be to everyone I talked to last semester. Someone who is always negative is a horrid person to talk to, so I would like to throw out a massive appology to anyone out there who expects one from me :) I was an obsessive, whiny boar. Sorry bout that. If there are any video game fans reading this, I highly recommend Arx Fatalis, one of the best games I have played in a long long time. And if you want to try a new CD, and don't know much about Pink Floyd, I've been recommending Wish You Were Here lately. It's a good album for a beginner Floyd fan. Ok, I'm outta here.

polstnuc...I mean...my 1st REAL entry!

Ok, I've been thinking today on some of the things I want to say to start this journal off...I guess I'll explain what actually triggered my interest in a live journal. Last semester was by far the worst 4 months of my life. (Which is ironic, considering the 3 preceeding months were 3 of the most wonderful months of my life.) I started the semester off by leaving my girlfriend's house in Louisville at 4 AM on her birthday to get to my first class by 9AM. I was quite sad, because I knew I wouldn't see her for a long time, since she goes to school in Texas. But, everything was fine because the love was strong. So I go to classes and the such, then try to get a hold of my boss at Steinkeller, the German bar. I served there making very nice money. When I finally got a hold of him, he tells me there are no available shifts for me because he didn't know I was coming back to work there, even though I told him I would be. So, screwed for the first time...SO the semester proceeds as I look for another job. Celeste and I talk some, but not as much as before, because she's a lot busier this year. We talked at least 2 hrs a day last year, but now it's 20 minutes if I'm lucky. So I start to feel neglected, which now I see as pathetic, but that's an issue to discuss later. But for the time being I am starting to feel distant and unimportant to her. She makes less and less time to talk to me and starts to care less and less (this is all from my point of view, by the way) Instead of busying myself and focusing on school, I focus on her, and our future together. At this point I had just let myself become way too dependent on her. We fight more every day until I call a break, thinking we need to step back and figure out what's wrong with us and repair the damage and be happy together again. Well, she takes "break" as an opportunity to turn tail and run. So, I am now single, but desperately pursuing a futile cause in trying to get her back. I made a fool of myself all semester, convinced that she was still in love with me but hiding from her feelings. I was obsessive and miserable, and I drove my friends insane with analyzing the whole situation and trying to pick it apart constantly. See...back then I thought love was the only thing in the world that mattered, and as long as I had Celeste, the girl I had wanted for 4 years and finally got, the girl I dreamed about for so long, the love of my life, and all that B.S....you know, my soulmate...well, as long as I had her, everything was right and good in the world. Of course I was wrong, and it took an excrutiating amont of pain and suffering to figure myself out again...You know, I lost a testicle in 8th grade; it was swollen to larger than a golf ball, and the pain had me dry heaving all night. It was surgically removed because it had twisted and the bloodflow was cut off from it, and it was dead tissue by the time I went to the doc. Well, that whole thing was nothing compared to last semester. I would take losing a testicle over that 4 months any day...I think I understand the whole thing with her now though...I understand her and why she did what she did ( I don't agree or think the greatest of her of course...) Long distance relationships are silly to attempt anyways. It's just a shame things happened the way they did...so angry and harshly. People are fickle and they will always let you down. If I don't expect anything, I won't be hurt. Tough life lesson, but I guess everyone has to learn it sometime. I'm feeling kinda like human beings are shitty, and what you need to do is try to associate with the ones that are less shitty. It's just never possible to fully know what someone is capable of and you have to choose who you trust. I just chose poorly. I'm thinking she'll figure herself out one day hopefully and not hurt anyone else she gets close to (not to say I don't need improvent, too, but ya know...)Well, one of my things here is refining myself, and a big part of that is not letting my emotions screw me over any more. And that involves not thinking or talking about Celeste any more, but I wanted to get the background of the situation out there to clarify. I will probably and hopefuly not really mention her again. So, back to listing the things that made last semester suck! So I had a new job delivering for Papa John's, making phat money. The shifts were 9-11 hours though...MISERABLE! Especially if you are depressed and obsessively thinking of your ex while you are alone in a car all night. But I made $15-20 an hour, so all was good. But I have a bad habit: my temper. It has always been my downfall. It of course has always applied behind the wheel (but my road rage has gotten 90% better over the last 6 years). One day I flipped someone off for honking at me while I was delivering. He called my manager and I pretty much got a warning. So a week later some redneck stops in the middle of the road. I wait a sec, then just honk my horn. He flips me off then starts going about 5 mph. Tired of his game, I just try to pass him, but then he speeds up and I get back behind. At the next stop he proceeds to get out out of his car and threaten me. I stayed in my car and let him know I was going to report him to the cops, and left the scene. I filled out a police report and went back to work, proud of myself for maintaining control and handling the situation properly. Well, I get a call from my manager the next day and that dickhead had called corporate office and lied, telling them that I threatened him and hit his car! So my boss, remembering my knack for using my middle digit frequently, decides to let me go. So there's 2 good jobs down the drain. So, now I am at Kroger's photo lab. I make $5.70/hr and have to pay union dues. It is a MISERABLE job! But, it's a job... And lastly on my list of bad semester stuff is my classes. I took a mythology class (should be cool, right?) well, the teacher was all...goth-intellectual-coffeeshop type, and annoyed me. She wanted us to look, in my opinion, just a little too deep into the myth and analyze it word for word, spending hours on every reading assignment. And of course, the tests were essays. Then I had a greek and roman minor arts class. Cool teacher, BORING material! I had to write a 7-9 page paper on roman glass blowing for god's sake! And, with my apathy along with depressedness, I was an awful student and got a B- and a C+ for the 2 classes respectively. Those are horrid grades for me, considering my goal was to graduate magna cum laude (3.75 GPA) Now my max will be like 3.69. Also, no dean's list for the first time at Miami. Oh well...my major is music, not liberal arts :) SO! Now that my summing up and whining about last semester is complete, I am going to list my new goals for myself...(it's funny, my roommate, Brian aka: huntin_expert, was also wanting to better himself this semester, so he has many similar goals and also started a live journal) I appreciate how a new semester is always a chance for a fresh start if you want it to be. I hope to:-Get into Indiana University's music school for graduate study, meaning I am going to be practicing my horn a lot more-Not waste time(ie, in front of computer, napping, screwing around)-be organized-be punctual-stop complaining so damn much! :)-be positive-drop the temper FOR GOOD-not focus on women or anything else but me for a while-learn to be happy-stop caring about everyone else's opinion so much-be less obsessive/more laid back-get in shape and build my body into that of a greek godYeah, lofty goals...But I'm making good on them so far! Man...so much to talk about....so little desire to type any more. Well, more to come later. Adios!

1st entry

Yay I have a journal. Now I'm going to bed.